Why You Shouldn't Pursue Viktor Krum
by Lothlome
Summary: McGonagall tries her hand at winning the Bulgarian Quidditch hero's heart, but finds that perhaps she'd gotten herself into a little more trouble than she'd bargained for. MMVK.


**Disclaimer: The Harry Potter universe and its characters belong solely to J.K. Rowling and Co. **

**A/N: This fic was written for a challenge I was doing with my friends where we pulled character's names out of a bag. That's why the pairing is so strange. I never in my right mind would have considered pairing McGonagall and Krum, but the union did result in a mildly entertaining story...well it entertained me anyway. Hope you enjoy it!Lothlome**

Why You Shouldn't Pursue Viktor Krum

By: Minerva McGonagall

Day 1

Well, so it begins. I'm about to do the impossible, go where no woman my age has gone before. What am I doing you ask? I am going to attempt to get into Viktor Krum's pants in ten days or less. I know what you're thinking, it's a suicide mission, but when you're as old as I am you can't waste your time waiting for the man to make the first move, especially when there's a chance you could drop dead any second.

Minerva

Day 2

All right, operation "Sleep with a Minor" has commenced. I've spoken to Karkaroff, and I offered to give Krum some extra tutoring sessions in Transfiguration, since the boy is absolutely atrocious; at least I'm killing two birds with one stone. Karkaroff didn't seem too keen on my teaching Krum; I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm not the only one with an ulterior motive in "tutoring" the Quidditch player. I never realized just how screwed up my colleagues are. Ah well, you learn something new everyday. Anyway, Karkaroff finally agreed to my plan, since Krum is planning on doing some Transfiguration in the second task. Thank God that man is more in love with winning than he is with Krum or I might have actually had to spend more than thirty seconds in that horrid thing he calls a ship.

Minerva

Day 3

Remind me, why am I attempting to sleep with this idiot? I just finished tutoring Krum in Transfiguration, and I've never seen someone so dense in all my years…well maybe that Pettigrew rat, but even he could tell the difference between his wand and a stick. Minerva old girl you must be getting desperate in your old age. Well, that should have been apparent when I went to that nudist colony in Siberia, of course Severus was there too, but I think he just went for the entertainment factor.

Minerva

Day 4

In better spirits than I was yesterday, finally made some progress with Krum, he finally managed to do some simple transfiguration spells. Perhaps this isn't such a fruitless effort after all. Of course, now I have other problems. I have a feeling that Severus knows what I'm up to. He walked into my classroom just as I was laying on the patented McGonagall Charm. I swear that man is always following me. One drunken night after the faculty Christmas party two years ago, and suddenly he's my new stalker. I mean, am I that charming and good looking? Anyway, he looked pretty disturbed as he walked out; I didn't think it was possible to disturb the potions master, especially after the broom cupboard incident with Filch and Mrs. Norris. shudder That's a road I don't want to travel down again, it took six months of therapy just to get me to leave my classroom again.

Minerva

Day 5

sigh I don't know why I bother with these mortals, I really don't. I tried dropping a few hints to Krum today…let's just say it didn't go over as I had hoped. If I thought the boy was dumb before…oy vey…it's a good thing he's good at Quidditch or else he would be living in a cardboard box outside of Costco once he got out of school. Am seriously considering giving up on this whole project.

Minerva

Day 6 

Ah ha! Now I know why Krum has been ignoring my advances! Tonight was the Yule Ball, and I saw him with that bushy haired beaver Hermione Granger. To think I used to consider her one of my favorite students. Not to mention, I thought the girl had good judgment. It's one thing for a desperate old woman to go after Viktor Krum, but I really had hoped Miss Granger had better sense. No matter, I've given her a week of detention with Professor Snape, and I took fifty points from Gryffindor, just because I can. Of course she began to protest furiously, demanding to know why I was "punishing her for no reason…blah blah blah…." I just told her it was because she was an uptight whore, and it was about time someone put her in her place. I don't think she appreciated that one very much, because she went running out of the hall sobbing hysterically. The Weasley boy looked pretty happy with the turn of events though, but that could have just been because I got Miss Granger away from his boyfriend.

Minerva

Day 7

Severus has now specifically warned me to stop trying to seduce Krum. That man can be so cryptic sometimes; he wouldn't even give me a reason when I asked for one. No matter, I'm going to continue on with my plans until I get a good reason not to. I have another lesson with Krum this afternoon; I'm planning to lay the charm on even thicker this time. Hopefully the message will finally get through that boy's sawdust filled head.

Minerva

Day 8

I don't know if I can take much more of this. All Krum did was talk about Miss Granger all ruddy afternoon. I was about two seconds away from impaling myself on a fork. We didn't make much progress with his transfiguration lessons either. What makes these students think I care about their lives? I'm just trying to ensure that I'm not leaving the world in the hands of complete idiots when my generation is too incompetent and senile to run things anymore. Of course now I'm just considering stepping out in front of one of those muggle contraptions…what are they called…? Ah yes, Semi-Tractor-Trailers. I'm considering stepping out in front of a Semi and letting it run over me about thirty times to put me out of my misery. And I used to wonder why Severus was so bitter.

Minerva

Day 9

I have decided to give up on my attempts to get into Krum's pants. Severus once again came to warn me today. He told me that he tried the same thing once, and actually succeeded. Unfortunately, Karkaroff is stalking him now because of it. Hence his general hatred of life. I've decided it's really not worth it, I might be desperate, but I'm not so desperate that I'm willing to be stalked by Karkaroff. shudder Poor Miss Granger…she doesn't know what she's gotten herself into. I, however, knowing her fate, will now proceed to laugh loud and manically for the next three hours. God I love my job.

Minerva


End file.
